How to Recognize Intimacy Issues

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So, now that I have a better understanding into the mind of someone struggling with a fear of intimacy, how do I know if this person is really earnestly interested in forming a relationship with me? Because in a very deep part of us we are trying to vindicate the parent. Sally, it sounds like he is a very nice man and of course his concerns are real. You need to find a therapist not that you trust right away, but you think you could trust with time.

You are living like roommates. Im scared to be more than 3 months at a certain place because then people need to get to know me better. I asked if all he wanted to was to get together at night and he said no. I really felt a genuine connection to him.

How to Recognize Intimacy Issues

Generalization caveat: Not all men are afraid of relationships, but many men are terrified of them. Before I get into the reasons why they're so afraid, let me first address the question of whether men are more afraid of relationships than women. The debate about whether men and women are extremely similar or extremely different doesn't seem to go away, and it's largely because we have little way of proving much within the psychological arena. Who knows, maybe one day we'll learn so much about the that we can definitively answer the question. Odds are, however, that the day may never come: Perhaps the social influences shaping males and females are so powerful that it's primarily the social part, and not the biological part, that makes men and women who are they are. Do men relationships more than women? The truth is that it's hard to tell. Measuring fear of intimacy among men and women in a research sense is tricky, but one study Thelen et al. To women who have known men terrified of relationships, this research will come as no surprise. Anecodotally, my fifteen years as a therapist have shown me that men are often more afraid of letting their guards down and being vulnerable than women, so it would make sense if they fear relationships more than women. To give some context, the media is always reporting about the different ways boys and girls are socialized, and many of us see such -restrictive among folks within our social circles. Because it does appear that boys and girls, at least historically, have been socialized differently, it would make sense that girls who were socialized to engage in cooperative play grow up to be women who are better at handling emotions and relationships than boys who were socialized to engage in competitive and physical play and grow up to be men who are less comfortable with vulnerability and emotional intimacy in relationships. But here's the important part: Not all men are terrified of relationships! When it comes to the subset of men who are, what makes them different? In other words, why are the so afraid of relationships? Previous Relationship Trauma A man may not be able to function well in a relationship if he has extensive issues that stem from a previous relationship trauma. The relationship trauma may have occurred when the man was a child or when he was an adult. Men who, as children, had an absent parent, a parent they lost, or a parent who abused them in any way are going to have an awfully difficult time seeking out and maintaining a healthy relationship. The wake of trauma can make almost unbearable and undoable if the man has not processed the trauma and worked through all the associated thoughts and feelings. In addition, men who are afraid of relationships may have had a previous relationship as an adult that was. Having a previous partner who abused them in any way, cheated on them, left them or died can cause these men later to avoid emotional intimacy and relationships altogether. Though some or all of these men may still have a desire for closeness, the emotional pain from the previous trauma is too great for these men to take the risk and jump into a relationship again. Men who have OCD or OCD features are often afraid of relationships because of the uncertainty and lack of control that come with relationships. People with OCD have a very high need structure and need to feel that their environment is extremely controlled and predictable. The thought of dealing with messy emotions and having to share an emotional life, as well as a physical space, is often too much to bear. Men who have a type are often afraid of relationships, as well. Paranoid men are hypervigilant about their environment and screening everyone who comes into their space. They are extremely aware of hierarchies of power and carry the ongoing fear that someone is going to trap them somehow and take advantage of them. For these reasons, reliance and dependence on another person are incredibly far-out notions for the paranoid man. Suffering from or having depressive symptoms has everything to do with relationship status. For single depressed men, they suffer from low and often feel badly about themselves. The idea of a relationship sounds extremely complicated to these men and, in addition, sounds like too much work for someone who is truly dealing with onging depressed feelings. Keep in mind that many men don't talk openly about feeling depressed, so you may not even know the real reason why a given man is afraid of relationships - you just know something is off. Secret Addictions If you're not a therapist or a follower of any number of off-the-wall, extreme docu-reality shows , you would probably be more than a little surprised to understand how many addictions people suffer from. Some addictions are more obvious, while others are easier to hide. Part of what comes with the addictive process is extreme guardedness: The addict becomes hypervigilant about who they get close to and they avoid anyone who is going to hold them accountable. Think about it: Having a partner is going to cause an addict - someone in the throes of denial - to feel incredibly anxious, and the addict would find a way in such a situation to escape. Now that you know about some of the reasons why men fear relationships, consider for a moment the paradox that many men who have a secret fear of relationships are often in relationships! In the relationships, these men often have a hard time maintaining closeness with their partner for any significant length of time: He either never lets them fully in, always keeping them at a distance or cheats, abuses, or witholds or affection from time to time. Other men who are afraid of relationships never even try to settle down: They're the bachelors at 40, never having married; the charming uncle who never brings the same woman to gatherings more than once; or the man who says he wants something long-term but distracts himself with types who are completely in appropriate, so the relationship never has any real chance of going anywhere. If you have become involved with a man you believe has a fear of relationships, talk to him about it. Tell him what you believe and what you see, and do it in a casual, nonjudmental manner. If you really want to make a romantic relationship with him work well, offer to go to couples to help him - and you, too! There is hope for men who are afraid of relationships, but they must be disciplined about trying to change and honest with themselves about how dysfunctional their romantic life has been as a result of their relationship fears. Feel free to check out my book, or follow me on for regular mental updates! Gender Differences Among Couples. How do you know the effect is not gender specific? Do you have any studies to show this? I'm sure there are effects that are common to both genders, but surely there are some effects which are unique to each gender. For instance, the different socializations genders are exposed to, as explained in the article. Also, the article attempted to explain why men are generally more afraid of intimacy. If the effects were not gender specific, then surely there would be no difference? Men are generally confused and frustrated, even anxious, when it comes to understanding, labeling and dealing with their emotions. They do not heal from their emotions, they just turn the light out and hope the darkness is real disappearance when really it is just an illusion. My early attempts at love resulted in painful hurt. I married for more practical reasons -- she was good for me and compatible in many ways. I believe that she settled for me as well. Not being in love made the relationship possible. It's like living with my best friend and once and awhile we have sex which is ultimately unsatisfying for both of us. I sometimes start to feel strongly for some woman I work with, but I just suppress that feeling, knowing I can only make a fool of myself. I want to be free of this marriage, but for what? Now after 25 years, I can see that love would have made our relationship better, but then, if no one is stepping up to the love plate for you, settling for a no love relationship may be better than being alone. Being married isn't just about love, other trait such as being loyal is a self control attitude that you choose to demonstrate every time a temptation seems trying to pull you out of your vows. It's a similar consciousness to maintain a job, stay on a diet, save for retirement, but ironically many don't have such discipline to a small degree, let alone for a marriage. Feeling in love is so inflated through media these days, no wonder it's so confusing. If you respect your spouse, and vice versa, that's love already. Love intensity is measured through a long period of time, how to sustain the connections is what matters. Being alone isn't so much a bad stigma these days compared to the angst and depression a person would suffer in an unhappy marriage, life in hell so to speak. I disagree with the bias in article that unmarried guys over 40 are seen as lifetime bachelors?? How about over 50 and still single, considering we're living much longer these days. I would imagine that men would become much fearless at their 40s and would make them truly confident, ripe life partners. I married my wife for practical and financial security reasons and never loved her or felt any sexually attraction to her. As a matter of fact I can't even stand to see her naked. But although the sex was pretty well nonexistent from the start I have stayed on as we did manage to have two children through artificial insemination and I believe they deserve a mother and father living under the same roof with them. But being sexually lonely is a constant strain on my mental health and I am now going on 20 years since I last had skin to skin sex with anyone. I still have a huge sex drive and even in my late 50's I masturbate twice a day every day. In many ways my life is way better now than it was when I was single but in my single days I had lots of sexual partners and I guess losing that was the price I had to pay for financial or domestic stability. Something I never had growing up with alcoholic parents. Same type of marriage, same alcoholism in the family and same search for the stability we missed growing up. I find ways around my loneliness. It's not what I wished for but it does help. And I still have hope that I'll figure everything out and not be afraid anymore. Failing that, maybe reincarnation is real and I'll get a second third? I suspect you paint a much a different picture to her! You sound pathetic and disgusting in your disrespectful description of your marriage. You should divorce your wife immediately and NEVER get involved again because you don't deserve a good woman. Must be nice being so perfect. All roses and unicorns as I'm sure you will profess. I guarantee you your husband resents you and is not letting on about it and banging women that aren't overbearing zealots. You are part of the problem you judgemental fuck. Must be nice being so perfect. All roses and unicorns as I'm sure you will profess. I guarantee you your husband resents you and is not letting on about it and banging women that aren't overbearing zealots. You are part of the problem you judgemental fuck. My marriage is great! Do you not realize that your silly attack on what I said which was 100% true only makes you look ignorant? You should have seeked professional help first. I believe both of you guys are unhappy and lonely in your marriage and it probably shows through to the children. You are living like roommates. I am attracted to a man whose wife cheated on him and left him with his 3 small children. The children just came of age and have moved out. He lives alone and although nice and can carry a conversation he does not seem to be close to anyone in particular. He wife was a real nut case and it seems to run genetically in her family. I heard he was really in love with her. He now gives the appearance of distance to anyone and does not let any woman close to him. Funny thing is I went through the same thing almostto the tee,although I am attracted to him I keep my distance. We know we are attracted to each other but thats about it. We keep our distance. Although I am lonesome, the thought of a relationship just paralizes me. I just can't do it. I was very traumatized in my first marrige to the point where I think I have PTSD. I feel like I live in a catatonic state most of the time, like I am outside looking in on life and just going through the motions. For many years I attributed this to being easily bored sexually and when the sexual dysfunction symptoms would crop up, I would simply break off the relationship and move on to another until the pattern would repeat and I would move on again and again. None of these relationships ever lasted for more than a few weeks, at most a couple of months depending on the frequency of sexual relations. I was mainly concerned with building a career in my 20's and 30's so the lack of any kind of romantic relationships didn't bother me. As long as I could have sex a few times a month I was satisfied. Luckily I was fairly good looking so never had a problem getting women to go out with me. It wasn't until I married at age 40, wanting to have children and be part of a family that this loss of sexual arousal after just a few times having sex began to complicate my life. It happened while dating my wife and although I wasn't going to tell her it was because I was bored with her sexually what I believed was the cause I played dumb and and told her i didn't know what the problem was that was causing me to be unable to get an erection during sex with her. My soon to be wife, ever the optimist, said not to worry that we would seek therapy after we married. This was because after awhile, with therapy obviously not working, she began to blame herself and her own sexual attractiveness. So after three years in an unconsummated marriage my wife gave up on therapy and settled into a sexless marriage the best she could. I continued on in therapy with various psychologists and a psychiatrist but again none of them could figure out what the problem was. My sexual functioning was fine when I masturbated alone. And I did have two very brief affairs in those first 5 years of marriage and again the functioning was fine until after less than a half a dozen sexual encounters with these women then again I would lose sexual arousal and be unable to perform and I broke off the relationships. In our 6th year of marriage we decided to seek fertility treatments so we could have children. The fact that I could have success masturbating alone meant we were able to have artificial insemination which worked great and we had two children in the space of 4 years. After the last child was born he is now 17 we never spoke of our sexual difficulties again and the marriage has now been sexless for a quarter century. I really miss skin to skin sexual contact with women but after my kids were born I gave up on affairs and accepted I probably would never have sex again for the rest of my life. To me keeping the family together was more important that having sex although I was and am angry that it has to be one or the other. This despite a strong sex drive that hasn't grown any less as I got older. Masturbation alone has been my only sexual outlet. At first I was skeptical because I never felt any conscious anxiety at all when having sex, even when I was dating and would suffer from an inability to get an erection with a partner. Thinking it was simple boredom I would apologize, get out of bed and never see the woman again. But the article I read went on to say that often intimacy anxiety is subconscious and any time I began to get close to a woman in a relationship my intimacy anxiety alarm bells would go off causing my body to release stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline that shut off sexual arousal like a light switch. Sexual boredom was all I ever thought it was but after reading more on intimacy anxiety I now feel that this is what was causing my sexual difficulties and what has caused my marriage to remain unconsummated and sexless for so many years. I simply cannot function sexually in a relationship unless I can keep the partner at arm's length emotionally. Something that is impossible when you live with someone in a marriage. It is too late for anything to be done as I am now in my 60's. But I hope my story might cause someone else who suffers from this to take this information with them to their Doctor or Therapist. A lot of women are quite absorbed in their own needs not necessarily because they are selfish and are really not able to understand the connection between lets's say a future mate's background and how he behaves on the dating scene. Women's fear of intimacy manifests itself in different ways and so while we all seem to be worried about the same thing, maybe we aren't expressing that fear because we aren't actually conscious of the cause. So thank you so much for such an honest account. The inability to get or keep and erection during sex or the inability to orgasm are the two main symptoms of the loss of sexual desire that intimacy anxiety within and emotionally close relationship can cause. Sexual desire starts and stays in the head.... You should be ashamed that you have treated your wife the way you have. You need to realize that it's you and your fear of intimacy that is causing you not to perform sexually. You need to learn to over come the fear. Start by learning about fear it's self and then honestly ask yourself why you afraid of repeated sexual encounters with the same person. I suspect that your therapist have told you the exact same thing.... I did read a very good article about masturbation and pornography that was very interesting. Seek professional help and also medical help. I went with this man for 27 years and finally said we get married or I am out. It is the best remedy to fix any relationship problem. Again, communication is key. You both should know what is stifling to each other and areas where you both want to depend on each other versus areas in which you both need independence. Balance between the two is important and the best way to find balance is to share and discuss what works and does not work for both of you. I just got out of a relationship, in which I am mostly to blame because of the above reasons. I would seem to have a lot of work to do to make myself into a healthy half of a relationship. My question is: Why would I make such an effort? I do want intimacy, but not daily. I do want a sexual life, but not daily. Do I just seek a woman who wants similar things? Any constructive thoughts are welcome. And as a better and healthier human being you might be able to create an strong intimate relationship that brings happiness and joy not only to you but to your partner, any children you may have and even friends, acquaintances and the wider community. Sound like something that might be vaguely worth it? Nice try sanitizing the discussion into a PC denial of any fault in women. It's WOMEN that cause fear of intimacy in men -- they learned from their mother that it's not safe to trust a woman. I'm a woman and my father's and brothers' verbal, emotional and physical abuse of me throughout my childhood and young adulthood left me with a deep-seated fear of intimacy and of men. I'm 50 years old now and I've pretty much accepted that, while I'm better able to handle closeness now than say in my 20s, the fear will always be there. Abuse moves in all directions. Please don't let your bad experiences lead you to woman-is-the-problem thinking. He's referring to the psychology behind the effects a man's first relationship in life - with his own mother - will have on his emotional development which will ultimately follow him throughout his entire life. Except you seem stuck on this idea of 'fault' which keeps you in that victim mindset. If this article was about women, for example, it would be just as correct to say that MEN cause our fear of intimacy it did for me, because of my emotionally abusive father. Thing is though, this information is good to know as you process the pain you went through, it's crucial that we know why we have the problems we do and who caused it. But beyond that, the truth is that our parents truly didn't know better. There are many, many good women and men out there. When we heal we will not be creating dysfunctional relationships anymore. That is exactly what happened to me, and it's actually pretty hard. They key was that I understood that my father is severely lacking and there's nothing I can do about it besides be the best version of me, and that continuing to blame him will not move me forward. For men the symptoms are far more serious as the intimacy anxiety shuts down their ability to perfprm sexually with that person. I am attracted to men who have a fear of intimacy, altho usually it is not extreme. But it still causes problems - I have felt hurt and rejection by it. I do want to share with all of you that Love, which I have experienced, is Incredible - there is nothing else like it. When you are in love, and the other person loves you, too - you finally understand what all the love songs are about, why they make romantic movies, etc. It is Magic - like winning the million dollar slots at Vegas emotionally. And making love when you are both in love with each other - there is NOTHING finer, or better sexually, imho. You are 100% emotionally AND physically connected to each other - so united. Also, I am not judging anyone here, but I, myself, will not stop seeking someone to love. And, definitely will NOT stop having sex. And the cuddling and touching of each other - not just sexually feels SO great. As for myself, am actively working on NOT dating men who are emotionally unavailable. I am still attracted to those who are, and because of my OWN traumas, I think I will always be attracted to them. But I have really learned to make NO judgments about myself, or them. We are who we are. Btw, I am 61 years old. You can work on yourself at ANY age - please do not forget that. Sometimes we use age as an excuse because we are afraid. Its ok NOT to want to change your life, BUT just realize what you are actually doing or not doing. And - please do not judge yourself. Loving yourself is crucial, no matter if you do or don't work on changing. Getting close means leaving yourself open to hurt and people with a fear of intimacy fear hurt deep inside themselves. In some cases it is burned into their subconscious as a child. Children who grew up with alcoholic or drug addicted parents or who were sexually, psychologically or physically abused as children find it almost impossible to maintain intimate relationships even if on the surface they think they would like to. They know from bitter experience that those who supposedly love you can turn on you, scare you and hurt you. Again this could all be subconscious and the person feels no anticipatory anxiety at all going into relationships later on in life. As adults, as soon as a relationship starts getting serious the intimacy alarm bells go off. They begin to feel uneasy. Women and men who suffer with this will begin to withdraw. They often start trying to find fault in the other person to try and explain to themselves why they suddenly lose attraction. It can come on slowly or like the flick of a switch. One minute they are feeling what they think of as love, the next the feel they can't get out of the relationship fast enough. What ends up happening with many of these people is they move from partner to partner never staying in a relationship for very long. They often act out sexually knowing they feel more sexually comfortable having sexual relations with people they do not know well. If these people do marry, often they are very lonely and like the idea of being in a family, more often than not all intimacy and sexual relations stops soon after the wedding and the marriages become permanently sexless. These people often make up for this by being the best husbands and wives and parents they can be despite not having any desire for sex and this makes divorce very difficult for the spouse who does want a normal sexual relationship. We all see the romantic stories on TV and the movies, or in books. But for some, even though they might think they would like to partake in a loving relationship intimacy anxiety and a lack of trust makes it almost impossible. In most cases therapy cannot help especially if the intimacy anxiety is caused by childhood trauma. HOWEVER, I do think that every trauma is different, and each traumatized person is different. We are individuals, after all. What you are describing DOES exist, of course. But it is one end on a continuum. For example, an old boyfriend with a difficult childhood once did fall in love. I don't think he has fallen in love since, but who knows. At any rate, he does have the 'memory' of that to remind him that it is possible. Also, I have an older uncle with 3 children - kids were traumatized. A few years later, uncle remarried, to a Wonderful woman. She became an incredible stepmother to those kids - she served as a true role model. The kids were able to learn to love and became involved in romantic relationships. Of course, many of the people you describe probably most cannot have intimacy, as you so well explained. However, many people CAN change, if they work hard enough, and are willing to be open to a new way of life. It would take time, but little -by-little, they can be just a bit more vulnerable to another person, then a bit more. I agree with you re: therapy. It can help some, but I have not been helped by it - actually came out of sessions more depressed than when I went in! But I have grown a LOT since I left my narcissistic, workaholic ex-husband. I am now concentrating on choosing the RIGHT men to date. I am NOT saying it is easy; but again, am learning a lot, and THAT is what counts. Also, I have done many things for the first time - like not seeing a guy again because all he talked about on the first date was his ex-wife, etc. Did it feel awkward? Did it take guts? But it felt WONDERFUL. I know I am on the right path, because I am looking for qualities which I need. And if a guy seems to be 'allergic' to intimacy, that is the end with me seeing him, as well, especially now, that I know the signs of a person like that. Even young men with little life experience hear the horror stories around the office water cooler... It makes a guy wonder on every first date... That's not necessarily fear of intimacy. That's just a man having the brains to know that more than half of the women out there are not worth dating much less marrying and living with. With coin-toss odds like that, only a woman can go into such an arranmgement and not get cold feet. Then again, women are incented to divorce men these days - divorce can be a very lucrative endeavor. All of the financial freedom without the burden of a man or a marriage! So why is this a problem again? There are no more GOOD MARRIABLE MEN LEFT.... Smart men stay single and vigilant. Dont get bitter w friends experince. Build a relationship slowly, go online dating only if you can afford making mistakes for the sake of speed, too many trials and errors. It is a mans problem to view his wife as more than free labor. More than likely he was money obsessed and lied about or hid his earnings. He failed to see his wife as a human with feelings. He probably cheated too. It just is in far too many cases. That's for confirming everything that has been said here. Does she deserve a certain percentage of THE RINGER when she's a certain percentage to blame? You're a failure of a man and a husband and deserve to suffer, even for the rest of your life. And that's about as clear as I can make it. Malaa is a wonderful spell caster, he has made my life complete again by helping me cast a spell to get erections anytime i want to.. I was skeptical at first, but what a believer I am now, his spell really worked!

How he copes and manages all of the relationships will speak volumes positively to his child of how to handle tensions in custodes and negotiate boundaries with people whom we love. You sound an honest, genuine person, who really wants to make something more of life. If that is of interest you might want to look at our new site,where you can find Skype and phone therapy to suit different budgets. And yes, is indeed sadly not unusual to feel disconnected, as we live in a society that encourages us feel shame and bury our experiences and feelings. If they are overwhelming, do seek support. You never sit still. If you want them to let you in on dating woman with intimacy issues own terms, you have to give them opportunities to do so.